My friend, Ann, called me about a week and a half ago and said she and her husband would like to meet us for dinner in a couple of months. How awesome! She said they discussed it and wanted to wait until the visiting and calls started slowing down for me. Sadly, they know the in’s and out’s of grief and loss, because their 17 year old son passed away 5 years ago in February. They are now grief counselors and know this is what is “normal.”
However, as I told her, she was the third call I got and I hadn’t had even ONE visitor at my home or elsewhere since the day I found out my brother passed away. Now it is going on 6 weeks and I can still say the same thing.
My friend, Barb, who came over the day he passed was planning on coming, but she got sick. So, I am sure I will see her soon. Thank you, sweetie!!
But really? Did this really happen? Did I really go through 6 weeks of utter despair without people around me?
I am not hinting for people to call me now. Frankly, I don’t even want to talk on the phone. Yet, it is strange that people weren’t even trying to call and at least talk to Wayne.
People don’t have to come up with the right words to make someone feel better. In fact, it is better to pass on the platitudes and just love someone and be there for them. Laugh with them and cry with them. “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn” Romans 12:15. Have dinner together, watch a movie or play a game. These are the kinds of relationships I yearn to have with friends and family, not just in this time of need, but people I can share my life with for a very long time.
I realize that I not only have 24×7 horrific pain and limitations which keep me from being able to get out and about very much, but I also have the chemical sensitivities which also keeps others from being able to visit me. Nonetheless, I have written until I am blue that as long as someone uses fragrance free laundry detergent, I can provide shampoo, soap and deodorant for them to use before we meet if those are an issue. I have offered my medical scrubs and even my shower. There are usually ways around it. Still, I often go months without spending time with people.
These Scriptures keep running through my head, “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’ Matthew 25:39-41 “He will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.’ Matthew 25:44-46
What is really nuts is that with all I have been through in the past 20 years, I have kept my “self-esteem” together pretty well. After all, I am a giving, caring, loving, funny, pretty smart, talented person (tee hee). But now I find myself wondering why I am not worth the trouble. I see people on Facebook talking about having dinner, visits, etc with other people, but they tell me they are too busy.
With being isolated for 20 years and the past 6 years being so extreme, I have asked myself if people would miss me if I were gone. Now, I am not talking about people being sad, because I am sure they would be lots of friends and family who would be sorry to hear I was gone. However, I am talking about people actually missing me in their lives, on their path to church, work, social settings or at home, because I never or rarely see them if I do see them at all.
On the other hand, I am missing my brother everywhere! There is a hole on the big, puffy green chair he loved, a hole on my driveway where his Trans Am rolled in, a hole on my couch where we ate the Texas Roadhouse dinner he drove 300 miles to bring me and a hole in my doorway where he would say, “Hey kiddo! I’m here! Give me a big hug!”
He was always there for me when my friends scattered. I hate that hole! It is everywhere! I just want to wake up from this nightmare and leap into his arms.
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