My brother has been gone 3 years!! I can’t believe it. So many told me things would get better. Ya right! He is still gone and I still have a huge, HUGE hole in my heart. I love and miss you Big Brother more than words could possibly say!!
Missing my brother TERRIBLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Last time I saw him was Thanksgiving 2011.
This Christmas Tree was placed by my brother’s memorial bench in honor of him. It is beautiful!!
THANK YOU, Cindi Carmack!! This is getting passed around the family not on Facebook. On behalf of our family, THANK YOU for putting up this incredible tree!! He will never be forgotten and we all love him so much! And we love you too!
After many months of trying to make plans and plans falling through, we finally made it to Grand Junction to visit my sister, brother in law, great niece and great nephew!
Getting my mom there was a challenge due to her health and battle with lung cancer and my sister is fighting breast cancer. She has had several surgeries and a ton of chemo treatments. This summer, she will be facing radiation M-F for six weeks!
I had this yard sign made for her, because she has always been Super Deb but needs a break! It is time for people to be there for her and they have been!This was a low-key, enjoyable visit as we all 
sat out on my sister’s famous back patio, amidst her incredible garden of flowers and vegetables.
Being there without my brother was extremely hard on us all. We went to his grave site and bawled in devastation. This was the first time we had seen the bench my sister designed and it was breath-taking and the most amazing memorial I have ever laid eyes on. It was incredible!
Jim,
I looked for you at home.
I looked for you at your grave.
But you are not there.
Where you stood beside me
and where you loved me,
there is a giant hole.
I wish you were in my arms.
But I rejoice that you are with Jesus
… and you are in my heart.
I love you Big Brudder!! My life is not the same without you.
Many of you may not realize, I have been living deep in the depths of despair off and on for the past year. After losing my brother, I clawed to keep my head above the ground.
In December, the most amazing thing happened to me. I found Peppermint Patty. Bringing her home was the happiest day of my life!
But she was very unhappy here and though we tried desperately for months to resolve the situation, I lost her. Because I was already dealing with the loss of my brother and had no idea this was going to happen, along with my mom battling lung cancer, my sister breast cancer, my own daily struggles and several other things, I was thrown into a pit. She is a part of my soul. I love her beyond words.
I share these things for 3 reasons:
1) Not to ask for pity, but to be honest about what I am going through and ask for prayer.
2) To voice my frustration with the reality of isolation due to my illness and chemical injury. I am unable to attend church or go to many (if any) functions and miss out on holidays. The hardest part is not having that fellowship time with friend and family.
3) To encourage change! It doesn’t have to be this way! We have steps that are simple for most to make it possible for me to be a part of the lives of others. Don’t give up on me. Don’t give up on anyone living with illness and chemical injury.
A lot of people have told me to stay strong. With the grace of God, I have been a very strong person and have been through much more than people know. I will get there.
A special Thank You to Kelley Harding for taking such great care of Peppermint Patty and making her a very happy baby.
Lyrics “My Heart is Broken” by Evanescence:
I will wander until the end of time
Torn away from you
I pulled away to face the pain
I close my eyes and drift away
Over the field
That I will never find a way
to hear my soul
And I will wander until the end of time
Torn away from you
My heart is broken
Sweet dreams my dark angel
Deliver us from sorrow’s hold
From my heart, heart
I can’t go on living this way
I can’t go back the way I came, change of this field
That I will never find the way
to hear my soul
And I will wander until the end of the time
Half alive without you
My heart is broken
Sweet dreams my dark angel
Deliver us
Change
Open your eyes to the light
I’ve been denying so long
Oh so long
Say goodbye, goodbye
My heart is broken
Release me, I can’t hold on
Deliver us
My heart is broken
Sweet dreams my dark angel
Deliver us
My heart is broken
Sweet dreams my dark angel
Deliver us from sorrow’s hold
In the past 18 months our family has been through some very serious tribulations. As you may know, I fight for my life daily due to Progressive Multiple Sclerosis, Chronic-Late Lyme Disease, Chemical Injury and Brain Injury.
In 2011, our mom, Carole was diagnosed with lung cancer. She is still battling it and we are both unable to care for our daily needs.
Later in 2011, our brother, Jim, unexpectedly passed away. Our family has been in deep mourning for his loss. Jim was one of those men who was always there for his family and friends. He was our champion, protector and I can’t even begin to express what a hole he has left in our lives.
Now, in December 2012, my sister was diagnosed with cancer. At first, they thought removing the tumors and having treatment would be the plans. But after her surgery, there was concern about the lymph nodes. She underwent a mastectomy and had over 20 lymph nodes removed (about half were malignant).
Everyone who knows my sister, knows she is a very strong and courageous woman! What some may not realize is that she is the glue that keeps everyone together. She is the one who “gets things done” in our family, with her grand-kids, friends and in her business. She is Superwoman!
Like many, with the economy, Deb and her husband’s businesses have been down (she is a graphic artist and he owns a drywall company). However, now they also have the added burdens of medical bills, deductibles, co-pays, coinsurance and expensive out of pocket medications.
Currently, she is now receiving chemo. As many experience, she lost her hair and struggles with debilitating fatigue, which is cutting further into her work and time with family.
I am trying to set up a fundraiser for my sister on Indiegogo. Thank you so much for considering helping me help my sister get through yet another major life challenge for our family.
The last time I saw my brother, Jim, was on Thanksgiving 2011. He passed away 4 weeks later. On our way to his memorial service, I asked God for a “Miraculous Rainbow.”
We were in the mountains, facing the sun and it was winter without any rain. Impossible, right?
Nope! We turned a corner and saw the most spectacular colors from one horizon to the other! When I tried to take a picture of it, this is what showed up … a giant RAINBOW leaping out of the sky and into our car!!! Amazing!
This year, we were without my brother. But when we sat down to eat, there was the rainbow in several beams of color shining across my plate and setting (the photo doesn’t do the colors justice). Thank you, Lord for the reminder that Jim is with you!
RELATED ARTICLES
Remember the Best Brother a Girl Could Have
Blessings in the Midst of Tragedy
My friend, Ann, called me about a week and a half ago and said she and her husband would like to meet us for dinner in a couple of months. How awesome! She said they discussed it and wanted to wait until the visiting and calls started slowing down for me. Sadly, they know the in’s and out’s of grief and loss, because their 17 year old son passed away 5 years ago in February. They are now grief counselors and know this is what is “normal.”
However, as I told her, she was the second call I got and I hadn’t had even ONE visitor since the day I found out my brother passed away. Now it is going on 6 weeks and I can still say the same thing.
My friend, Barb, who came over the day he passed was planning on coming, but she got sick. So, I am sure I will see her soon. Thank you, sweetie!!
But really? Did this really happen? Did I really go through 6 weeks of utter despair without people around me?
I am not hinting for people to call me now. Frankly, I don’t even want to talk on the phone. Yet, it is strange that people weren’t even trying to call and at least talk to Wayne.
People don’t have to come up with the right words to make someone feel better. In fact, it is better to pass on the platitudes and just love someone and be there for them. Laugh with them and cry with them. “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn” Romans 12:15. Have dinner together, watch a movie or play a game. These are the kinds of relationships I yearn to have with friends and family, not just in this time of need, but people I can share my life with for a very long time.
I realize that I not only have 24×7 horrific pain and limitations which keep me from being able to get out and about very much, but I also have the chemical sensitivities which also keeps others from being able to visit me. Nonetheless, I have written until I am blue that as long as someone uses fragrance free laundry detergent, I can provide shampoo, soap and deodorant for them to use before we meet if those are an issue. I have offered my medical scrubs and even my shower. There are usually ways around it. Still, I often go months without spending time with people.
These Scriptures keep running through my head, “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’ Matthew 25:39-41 “He will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.’ Matthew 25:44-46
What is really nuts is that with all I have been through in the past 20 years, I have kept my “self-esteem” together pretty well. After all, I am a giving, caring, loving, funny, pretty smart, talented person (tee hee). But now I find myself wondering why I am not worth the trouble. I see people on Facebook talking about having dinner, visits, etc with other people, but they tell me they are too busy.
With being isolated for 20 years and the past 6 years being so extreme, I have asked myself if people would miss me if I were gone. Now, I am not talking about people being sad, because I am sure they would be lots of friends and family who would be sorry to hear I was gone. However, I am talking about people actually missing me in their lives, on their path to church, work, social settings or at home, because I never or rarely see them if I do see them at all.
On the other hand, I am missing my brother everywhere! There is a hole on the big, puffy green chair he loved, a hole on my driveway where his Trans Am rolled in, a hole on my couch where we ate the Texas Roadhouse dinner he drove 300 miles to bring me and a hole in my doorway where he would say, “Hey kiddo! I’m here! Give me a big hug!”
He was always there for me when my friends scattered. I hate that hole! It is everywhere! I just want to wake up from this nightmare and leap into his arms.
ADDITIONAL RELATED STORIES
Remembering the Best Brother a Girl Could Have
Sharing and preserving the thoughts I shared on my Facebook page for the first month after losing my brother. I will continue to record my thoughts in my journal.
Also read my other articles:
Providential Blessings in the Midst of Tragedy
Remembering the Best Brother a Girl Could Have
January 21, 2012
Today is my brother’s birthday. I miss him more than words can express. My sister is going to have an open house for a few close friends and family at Jim’s house today in honor of his birthday.
How Can I Live Without You by LeAnn Rimes from one of my favorite movies, A Walk to Remember. This song haunts me, as I wonder how do I live without my brother?
January 20, 2012
4 weeks ago, today, I got that dreaded news! Last night, I had my first dream about my brother. He called me from Heaven to tell me he was fine. It was so great to hear his voice!
I am posting this song, because my brother loved to listen to the blues, sing karaoke and play his harmonica. Most of all, he is pain free and singing with the angels now!
January 13
Three weeks today I found out I lost the best brother a girl could ever have! He was my champion, my rock. I know I posted this already, but many of you missed it. This is the video I made of the incredible processional after the memorial service. What a sight! He was loved by SO many!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ViRjhivRsg
January 11
After we returned from the memorials, my husband got off the phone with my mom and asked, “Did you hear what happened to your mom this morning?” I said, “No.” He continued, “She was awakened by an intense beam of orange light shining in her bedroom [which faces West]! She said everything looked like it was on fire outside.”
I exclaimed, “What?” I ran and got my camera to show him pictures that I had taken that very morning! I, too, was awakened by red beams in my North facing bathroom window. I got up and looked out to see that all of the houses literally looked like they were on fire, like in the Ten Commandments movie! I ran and got my camera and took some pictures of the sunrise, but when I went back to photograph the houses on the hill, they were no longer lit up.
January 10
Oh, God, I’m running to your arms!
Live Concert: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=au3EGgISYMc
January 8
I Lift My Hands by Chris Tomlin
January 7
Cindi went to visit Jim’s grave site. She asked for a “sign” from God to encourage her. God provided this amazing cross in the sky, customized with flames coming out the top, just like Jim would love! Never seen anything like this EVER!
January 6
2 weeks ago today, we got the call about my brother.
In my life I have survived pneumonia as a baby, parent’s divorce, abusive stepfather, teasing in junior high, chronic bouts with pneumonia, bronchitis and flu, identity theft (twice), multiple stalkers, multiple abduction and attack attempts, break ins, the passing of friends and family members, paralysis, loss of career, house, horse, ability to care for myself, fatal stage of Lyme Disease, Progressive Multiple Sclerosis, Traumatic Brain Injury, Chemical Injury, abandonment by friends and family and on and on.
Yet, this is the very worst thing I have ever faced. Please keep me in your prayers. If you are in the area, please visit my mom and me. God comforts us not only through His Word, but through His children. We all need one another all of the time, not just in tragic times. 🙂
January 5
You don’t tug on Superman’s cape
You don’t spit in the wind
You don’t pull the mask off that old Lone Ranger
And you don’t mess around with Jim!
Jim LOVED this song all of his life, by Jim Croce
January 5
NEW Video! I just finished the video of the INCREDIBLE procession after my brother’s memorial service. This is quite a site! There were about 200 at his service and more at the dinner.
Everyone had a story to tell about how my brother always thought of others FIRST. He was a very caring and compassionate man with rough and tough exterior! He was loved by so many.
January 4
Getting my last BIG HUG from my brother. I could literally feel him hugging me back. Wayne had to pry me off.
I don’t know how I am going to go on without my big brother!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
January 3
Wow! Got a card today from a medical clinic I have been going to for a couple of years. In the note they said they want to plant a tree in Jim’s name! Isn’t that cool!! They have never even met him!
They have been so loving to me. When I go in they treat me like a friend, want to know how I am doing and spend time talking with me (outside of my appt).
http://www.wholehealthcenters.com/
January 2
PLEASE rally around my momma with calls and VISITS! She needs PEOPLE!
As you may know, she has been battling lung cancer for a year and now my brother (her baby) passed away in his sleep right before Christmas.
She (and I) was already isolated and alone. Jim would drive 600 miles to come visit us!! She would often go months without being with people!!
In many cases, if you are not 100% fragrance free (soap/shampoo) she could meet you for coffee or lunch (no perfume/lotion/strong deodorant/hairspray/Downy).
She is still VERY sick from the lung cancer and not able to care for herself, but she can’t stand being cooped up and alone. She needs to get out once in a while if that means being with people!!
She could also use some help with getting groceries or maybe drop off a salad, soup (she loves Panara) or gluten/egg/dairy free meal. These are great ways to show love and care even if you need to drop it at the door.
Please help me show her LOVE. If you need her address or phone number, please send me a private message. If you do not live in the area, you may choose to send a card.
Thank you!!!
December 31, 2011
Here is the tribute to my brother that I put together for the services and loved ones. There were about 200 people at the service and more at the celebration of his life.
People were weeping.
Sharing now with you all. Enjoy! I am thrilled about how it tuned out. It is pretty unique!
It is my gift to him and to so many who loved him.
GO REST HIGH UPON THAT MOUNTAIN by Vince Gill
I know your life
On earth was troubled
And only you could know the pain
You weren’t afraid to face the devil
You were no stranger to the rain
Go rest high on that mountain
‘Cause, Son, your work on earth is done
Go to Heaven a shoutin’
Love for the Father and the Son
Oh, how we cried the day you left us
And gathered round your grave to grieve
Wish I could see the angels’ faces
When they hear your sweet voice sing
Go rest high on that mountain
‘Cause, Son, your work on earth is done
Go to Heaven a shoutin’
Love for the Father and the Son
December 31
Here is the procession after the service, “Big Jim’s Ride.” Lots of awesome Harleys and choppers. He was loved by SO many!
[I do not own this video and am trying to get a copy of it from Mark Berkley]
December 30
And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-8
Can’t get this song out of my mind (I Need Thee Every Hour) and I’m glad I can’t! Keep sending your comforting words, Dear Lord!! I need you EVERY hour, every minute!!
December 30
What will people say about US when we go? Wow! Hundreds of people came out to honor my brother! Person after person told of how he helped them, loved them and was always more concerned about others than himself. He was not only my mom’s, sister’s, niece’s and my rock, but he was a pillar of love, compassion and service to countless others.
In 2012, let’s all make concerted efforts to step off our fast and speeding trains of life to make sacrifices for others with our time and efforts. We can put aside a few petty, not so important things to reach out to others. It doesn’t take much.
December 29
I am posting this (his obituary), but I can’t even look at it. There were a ton of people at the second service and probably 200 or more at the dinner tonight. I can’t go.
I wrapped my arms around his casket and gave him a hug. I could literally FEEL him hugging me back. I didn’t want to let go. Wayne had to pry me off.
Just took a shower and eating something. Keep us in your prayers. We needed him!!!!!!!
December 28
SPECIAL THANK YOU to my hubby who has been amazing! He has let me cry, he has been loving to my momma, he drove me back and forth to my mom’s and got us food for three days. Then he got out the photo albums and started scanning pictures so I could create the memorial DVD. Wow! Thank you sweetie!!!
December 28
WE HAVE LANDED and our room is GREAT!!!!!! The lobby smells a bit like chlorine from the hot tub and the public restroom is way off limits, but the room is fabulous!! There is a back door, so we don’t even have to go through the lobby!
We didn’t need such a fancy place to stay, but being off the beaten path and not a chain hotel is what we had to do. Another praise is that the manager gave us a huge discount! The Wine Country Inn.
Praise the Lord! Thank you all for your prayers!
I only wish we could enjoy it, rather than be here to face this horrific reality that I will have to live with the rest of my days. 🙁
Praise the Lord! Thank you all for your prayers!
December 27
Found a place to stay! They passed my very lengthy checklist! But last time when we arrived it was the most toxic place I had ever been to. My husband drove up and down the “hotel row” and nothing was even close to being tolerable. This is an out of the way, privately owned place. Keep us in your prayers! We can’t be sleeping in the car in the winter, especially with my mom with us!
December 25
My brother called me last week to say he was sorry we couldn’t come over for Christmas this year. He had to have surgery on his foot. I understood and had no idea how without him we would be today and for the rest of my days. Haven’t been able to get this song out of my head. “I’ve just one wish on this Christmas eve. I WISH I WERE WITH YOU!!!!”
December 24
He was suffering so much, but I can’t let him go.
I Can’t Live if Living is Without You by Mariah Carey
No, I can’t forget this evening or your face as you were leaving
But I guess that’s just the way this story goes,
You always smile…. But in your eyes your sorrow shows
Yes it shows
No I can’t forget tomorrow, when I think of all my sorrows
When I had you there but then I let you go
And now it’s only fair that I should let you know
What you should know
I cant live, if living is without you
I can’t live, I can’t give anymore
Can’t live, if living is without you
can’t give, I can’t give anymore
Ohhhhhh (No can’t live)
No no no (No I can’t live)
I can’t live (No can’t live)
If living is without (No I can’t live)
I can’t live (No can’t live)
I can’t give anymore (No I can’t live)
December 24
My protector, my champion, my advocate, my best friend, my “big brudder.” You were there to teach me how to tie my shoe, you walked me across the street and you held me when I was scared.
When I became ill, you were there by my side, you never doubted me, you always loved me. When friends abandoned me because of chemical sensitivities, you drove 600 miles to visit me. You were always there for me.
Friends, please don’t tell me everything will be fine. Things weren’t fine before, but I always knew no matter how many losses I suffered, no matter how many friends chose a laundry detergent over me, I always had my brother.
I am extremely concerned about my mom. She, too, has been abandoned by friends because of detergents and soaps. My brother would call her, visit her and took care of her when he could drive over.
Please be so kind as to skip the platitudes. I know my mom and I have each other and I know we have God to get us through. But everyone needs friends and family around them, people to talk to, people to hold. Not just for a few weeks, but people who are like family, spend time together, share their lives, know each other celebrate and cry together.
Most everyone I know has friends, family, church, work, clubs, etc. they see and interact with people regularly. My mom and I often go months without spending time with anyone. We all need the love and support of others. My mom and I are God’s children. We have lots of love and laughter and friendship to give.
Thank you all for your prayers. That is the best thing you can do for us. But if you are within physical reach, please don’t forget us. Please don’t shut us out anymore, because of a handful of soaps. In 99% of situations, there are simple ways to remedy these issues. God thinks we are worth the trouble and so do I. Just ask.
How to go fragrance free or make simple modifications: http://cleanerindoorair.org/campaigns/choose-friendships-over-fragrances/
Just a Few Post From Friends and Family Who Knew Jim:
Sherri, my heart empties for you and your family. I so enjoyed meeting & spending time with your family…sitting there with Jim…being touched by his spirit…it was a neat evening. Tonight, I’m especially thankful for that time with him & pray that you and all your wonderful family can celebrate the man who, over one dinner, a year or so ago, left me wth a special footprint of kindred spirit. A BIG hug to you & yours. Ed Hearn
Thanks for making/posting this video. I was shocked and sad when I heard the news and didn’t get a chance to really think about Jim and reflect until now. As I watched the video I thought about how Jim had blessed my life even though we only said “hi” to each other once a year or less. What beautiful pictures and memories! Randy Stanton
Small world (or town). I met Jim years ago when he was married to Catrina whom I worked with at Sundstrand . We seemed to hit it off as we shared some things in common like, Hotrods, Harleys, Drag racing etc. Anytime we would see each other out and about we would alway’s stop to visit. I alway’s had to ask what he was driving or building as he seemd to have something different everytime I saw him. Just a fun guy to hang around and visit with…enjoyed what little time I did spend with him…such a neat person. So sorry 🙁 John Yurick
Sherri, I wish Jim knew how many people loved him so much!!! I haven’t seen him in a few years. I met him abt 30 years ago. His friend Colin Childers, is my best friends brother. I would see Jim at the mumbys pig roast every year. He looked TOUGH lol :)!!! But he was the softest, kind hearted person ever, just like YOU!!! I have been very bless to have been his friend. Thank you for sharing that video, it really warmed my heart and made me smile!!! I know Jim was smiling too!!! I don’t think he knew how many peoples lives he has touched over the years!!!! I can’t say enough good things abt my friend and your brother ((((((((((MITCH)))))))))) Again I WILL NEVER EVER FORGET HIM!!!! Much love to you. If you need anything just know you and your family are in my prayers…….. BIG HUGS TO YOU Renee Bonnell-Chason
Memorial Guestbook
Love you so much Uncle Fun! You were everything to me! U are the reason I am the woman I am today! You taught me things fathers teach there daughters! You protected me, stood by me & loved me unconditionally! You will forever be in my heart & on my mind as I look in the mirror & see pieces of you in me! I will never let you go! Holly Dee McNeil-Carey
Jim was one of those people who made you feel welcome. I knew him because of his mom, Carole, as well as IDA. We will carry on the work with IDA with him in our hearts. Nancy Stern-Jude
Jimmy Ju.:).. Oh how you touched my heart from the moment I met you… there was just something about you. I will miss you and love you always…..with all that I am… for all of my days. You were more amazing than you will ever know. Will meet up with you again…. and dance in the clouds…… Please visit me in my dreams. I love you Jim. Thank you for always listening.. for always being my accomplice in trying to solve the problems of the world….. memories of you make me smile. Rest in peace love. Cindi
I did not know Jim but I did hear a lot of good things about him through his sister, Sherri. I have been on IDA for a few years now and it was clear how much Sherri loved her brother. I was actually stunned when I had heard he passed away. Couldn’t believe it – My condolences to all family and friends. I am SO sorry for your loss. Sherri and Wayne, you are in my heart and my prayers. God Bless ALL Of You! Love, Kathy in California
To my big brother, not my half brother but my brother, … We will truly miss you… What can I say… Your life on earth was meaningful to everyone you touched… Big guy big heart… I love you big brother… I’ll never forget the look on your face every time I called you Jimmy!!! Especially as an adult… Go home and go rest… Love you. Chris Mitchell
I wish I had know him…he sounds like a wonderful man who left a great legacy. I am sorry as I know he has left a big hole in your family…may God give you grace, mercy and hope…..we do grieve, but not without hope! Love you Sherri
Whitlock Family
Thanks to my brother Jim for taking me in even if not by choice. Thanks for watching me as a kid. You will truelly be missed. Your brother, Marty
Jim was always needed, his smile and loving heart will always be cherished!!! To Jim, thank you for being a GOOD friend, always having that sparkle in your eyes when you smiled, I will miss your kindness and carefree spirit!! My heart breaks for you!!! I pray that you have found peace and love in the arms of JESUS. Jim you did give the best hugs!!! Sherri your brother had the kindest heart. He loved everyone……. and everyone loved him too!!! Sherri you are in our prayers…. much love…. My heart is breaking….. BIG HUGS MITCH!!!!!! XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
